“I used again. . I didn’t mean to but I couldn’t say no”
“I had a panic attack again”
“I binge-drank again. Three bottles of whiskey”
“I had a manic episode last week. Oh it was awful”
“I couldn’t get out of bed and felt blue all weekend”
Confession time. It makes my heart go heavy when my clients tell me “I relapsed”. They come in feeling despondent, they make changes they are excited about. The change becomes steadier and they feel confident. Then The “I Relapsed” Episode happens. Whatever they say, whatever they are faced with, the one common thing I hear is. . “I am back to square one. I am a failure. I will never get better”.
That’s because of the myth we subscribe to: Progress is linear.
My background: I come from Singapore, a pressure-cooker society where students do a compendium of 20 years of examination questions 3 times over. There are obvious routes to scoring excellently. So I was brought up to believe that change is linear. Do A, get B, attain C, reach destination. Done. It’s an Autopilot Limiting Belief that I need to remind myself of. Hence the heavy heart when my clients tell me about relapse. And more importantly, I can’t imagine how awful it must feel to believe you’re back at square one.
Back to being wise. When we sit together and breathe, we talk about what’s happened and we tease out the hurricane of thoughts. We see something different. Here’s 3 exercises you can do to get back on your feet and recover. I recommend you do them in order.
Exercise #1: Tracking
1. Draw a line and put a dot indicating where you were when you started. Write a few things about what you were like. Do you remember what rating you gave your distress then?
2. Put another dot on the first week you felt that there were some improvements. Label the date, write a few notes what that was about and what helped you. (I often consult my therapy notes for guidance and quote my clients on what they say.)
3. Do the same for the next few weeks where you saw sustained change.
4. Now, think about The “I Relapsed” Episode. How would you rate your distress this time.
Now, review. Are you (1) where you started (2) behind where you started (3) further from where you started. All my clients have answered #3. Take a picture of this timeline. Look at it everytime you feel like you’re slipping back.
Exercise #2: Digging into the “I Relapsed” episode
1. What really happened before the episode?
2. What were you doing, thinking and feeling?
3. Were you physically unwell before then?
4. Where were you?
5. Did somebody say something?
6. And, what can we do about this?
Someone realised he had a panic attack because the train’s heater was at full-blast on a hot summer’s day (it happens in the UK). Anyone would feel uncomfortable, and I’ve heard of people experiencing their first ever panic attack in such situations. To prevent this, he decided to exit the train at the next stop in future. Another realised he didn’t know how to say no to new acquaintances about drugs, and felt a false sense of security because he was drunk. We learned to write a script and to watch his drinking. Take brief notes. Track. And you’ll learn to master yourself.
Exercise #3: Look even deeper
Ask yourself: “What did I do differently this time?”
Often we are so caught up in our relapse and kicking ourselves, we label it as a catastrophe.
When I ask my clients this question, we realise, there are indeed changes. Like, one told me she was able to slow down jumping into “This is the end of the world” mode and worrying ceaselessly, body shaking away. She was able to see herself entering that mode and to stop it. Another told me how he was able to use mindfulness and self-compassion to breathe peace into himself. Yet another discussed about how she got out bed after two days, rather than her usual two weeks. We see our wins if we’re not caught up in absolute ideas of success.[/vc_column_text][divider line_type=”No Line”][/vc_column][/vc_row]
Bonus: 3 other things you can do
1. Remember, this is an “I Relapsed” Episode, not a Forever Condition
2. Having tasted the changes you’ve made, you know they are possible. What tools do you now have to move yourself forward? Can you make it into a system?
3. Kindness matters.
Still worried about handling relapse? You’ve changed successfully in your life before. You’re always changing and evolving, even if you don’t think so. Think about the last time you created a change in your life. Like starting to save money, exercising regularly, joining a group activity. Apply the above exercises to them.
You’ll see, you have it inside you.